Exploding Heart

It's been six weeks since Allyson Marie was placed in my arms. What I remember from that day is an overwhelming, complex sense of peace that filled my soul. The night before I had been SO SCARED and nervous and truly doubtful. But, when the moment came, there was nothing but great feelings surrounding me. When I look at pictures from that day, July 11, it's almost as if I don't recognize myself. I look so happy and content with life. The 4 and 1/2 year long wait for our daughter took a huge toll on me, but that day changed all those feelings into true love and happiness.

Over the past 4 and 1/2 years I did a massive amount of research about attachment. I wondered if Ally would attach to Ryan and me as her parents, but I also wondered if I would attach to her. What if I didn't attach to Ally like a mother would to her daughter? It happens, this scenario, the scenario of two overly excited adults who have waited for such a long time for their child only to suffer through many painful months where it seems as if they're just a babysitter to this stranger of a child. I said a lot of prayers begging and pleading with God to please let me love my daughter upon first sight.

I felt a lot of things when I met Ally. I felt an overwhelming love for this child who was scared and confused. I felt obligated to provide a great life for her. I felt a great deal of gratitude to finally have a child. I felt a great sense of worry for health and well-being. Yes, I attached to her and she to me, perfectly, it seemed.

But, something happened this week...my heart exploded for my child. All of a sudden when I wasn't with her, my heart ached. When she was asleep I anxiously awaited a cry from her signaling she needed me to soothe her. When she smiled at me, tears came to my eyes. These weren't sad tears, but pure happy tears. I was suddenly so proud of this child who seems like the bravest person I've ever met.

So, I understand now, when someone says motherhood changes you. Of course, motherhood changes your life's schedule and routines, this goes without saying. But, now I know how it is to love something more than you even knew was possible. I love Ally so much it hurts.

My prayers it seems were answered. Thank you, God.