Exploding Heart

It's been six weeks since Allyson Marie was placed in my arms. What I remember from that day is an overwhelming, complex sense of peace that filled my soul. The night before I had been SO SCARED and nervous and truly doubtful. But, when the moment came, there was nothing but great feelings surrounding me. When I look at pictures from that day, July 11, it's almost as if I don't recognize myself. I look so happy and content with life. The 4 and 1/2 year long wait for our daughter took a huge toll on me, but that day changed all those feelings into true love and happiness.

Over the past 4 and 1/2 years I did a massive amount of research about attachment. I wondered if Ally would attach to Ryan and me as her parents, but I also wondered if I would attach to her. What if I didn't attach to Ally like a mother would to her daughter? It happens, this scenario, the scenario of two overly excited adults who have waited for such a long time for their child only to suffer through many painful months where it seems as if they're just a babysitter to this stranger of a child. I said a lot of prayers begging and pleading with God to please let me love my daughter upon first sight.

I felt a lot of things when I met Ally. I felt an overwhelming love for this child who was scared and confused. I felt obligated to provide a great life for her. I felt a great deal of gratitude to finally have a child. I felt a great sense of worry for health and well-being. Yes, I attached to her and she to me, perfectly, it seemed.

But, something happened this week...my heart exploded for my child. All of a sudden when I wasn't with her, my heart ached. When she was asleep I anxiously awaited a cry from her signaling she needed me to soothe her. When she smiled at me, tears came to my eyes. These weren't sad tears, but pure happy tears. I was suddenly so proud of this child who seems like the bravest person I've ever met.

So, I understand now, when someone says motherhood changes you. Of course, motherhood changes your life's schedule and routines, this goes without saying. But, now I know how it is to love something more than you even knew was possible. I love Ally so much it hurts.

My prayers it seems were answered. Thank you, God.

Gotcha Day.....Revisted

We arrived in China on Saturday July 10 at 11:30 pm. We had been on flights for over 20 hours. We were exhausted. Our travel guide, Li Ping met us at baggage claim at the Nanchang Airport. His first words to us, "You get your daughter tomorrow." Wow, tomorrow was only 30 min away. We became very overwhelmed. We had thought we'd have at least a day to recover from jet lag and get mentally focused on being parents. So, needless to say I (melanie) had a wee bit of a mental breakdown once we arrived at the hotel. I was nervous, anxious, scared, and super tired. Whitney(my sister) helped me through it. Thank God she was there.

The next day, after waking up and trying the hotel's breakfast buffet and then going to the grocery store next door to get some formula and diapers, we loaded a van to travel to our daughter.

I'll let the pictures do the talking...................................

This is where we met Ally, the 27th floor of a building.

The Orphanage workers arrive with the babies. (Can you pick out which baby is Ally?)


A moment 4 1/2 years in the making..........Ryan and I being handed over our daughter, Yue Meidong a.k.a. Allyson Marie Fenton

The only tears we had from her, she had to be so scared.

I'm checking out my girl, she's checking us out too.

Ally meets her Pappaw for the first time

On our way back to the hotel

Ally Skyping her Nana for the first time

All cleaned up and ready for dinner

Our first family photo, in the restaurant at the Jiangxi Hotel

The Orphanage Visit

I apologize for the entry being underneath the pictures. Also, the pictures aren't in the order I'd like them to be in. Bear with me, it seems I've forgotten how to blog!

Ally's nanny saying good-bye to her for the last time.

The baby beds in Ally's room.

The nanny's mother rocking a baby to sleep while holding another baby.


An emotional picture of all of us

The view outside Ally's room

A chair the babies sit in, kind of like a baby walker. This chair caused the scars on Ally's legs.

The nanny holding Ally and Chloe for the first time since they were adopted

The bed in Ally's room, we assume the nanny, her mom, and son all sleep on this bed

A baby in Ally's room. This type of basket is where all the infants sleep

The medical room in the orphanage

The Yugan County SWI(orphanage)

A picture with the orphanage director

This picture was taken at the location Ally was abandoned. It is at the orphanage gates.

This is an excerpt from an entry I posted on my other blog.

On Thursday we traveled to Ally's orphanage, the Yugan County Social Welfare Institute. The drive was treacherous. Some roads were paved, some were gravel, some were mud. There were water buffalo randomly placed along the sides of the roads throughout our journey. when I think of Ancient China I think of Rice Paddies and people with traditional straw hats on. On the way to Yugan Co, we saw just this scene. It really was beautiful. We also saw a lot of poverty.

When we got into the city two orphanage officials met us and took our van to the various children's finding places. One child was found in an alley by the town's hospital, another by the gates of the old orphanage. Our Ally was found by the gates of the current orphanage. THe orphanage has babies, children of all ages and then it also houses senior citizens. When we arrived at the orphanage we were taken to a conference room where a table was covered in fresh fruit for us to eat. It was a gorgeous spread, however none of us ate anything other than bananas because they were the only fruit we could peel. We handed over our donations to the orphanage director. Many of the workers had come to the room to see the babies. They all knew which baby was which. Ally was referred to as "Dong Dong".

After we met in the conference room we were taken to the babies' rooms. This orphanage has rooms where a nanny lives with the babies. It's like the nanny's apartment. Ally was in Room 3. Her nanny, the nanny's mom and son all live in this one room apartment with, currently, 2 infants and a toddler. The room was small, about the size of my classroom. It had the nanny's full size bed, some shelves, a few baby beds, two wicker baskets which the infants were sleeping in, a small bathroom. There was a small balcony attached to the room. There was also a TV.

The nanny reached out to hold Ally and Chloe(another baby in our travel group who also lived in the same room). She walked over to the balcony windows and cried. She loved our babies. Many people upon discovering we're adotping from China have made comments about us saving the baby and rescuing the poor baby from the desperate situation. Let me get on my soap box and say that I in no way believe Ryan and I rescued Ally from a horrible situation. By America's standards, yes, the living situation was very simple. But, I know that above all else, a child needs love. There is no doubt in my mind that Ally was loved SO MUCH in the 8 months before we met her. Her nanny cried with the tears of a true grieving mother. In my mind ally has 3 mothers: her birth mother, her nanny, and me. I cannot imagine the heartache the nanny went through last Sunday when she said good-bye to Yue Mei Dong, a baby she had cared for for so long. I cry just thinking about it. I hugged the nanny and cried right along with her. I cannot thank her enough for taking such good care of my baby.

Ally, in all honesty, rescued me. In the 6 days she has been with us, this child has taught me about the deepest love I've ever felt. I never knew how much I could love a person. It's as if Ally has been in my heart forever. I sound so cliche right now, I'm sure, but, it's true. And, without her nanny, none of this would have been possible. So, Ryan and I will ensure that Ally knows all about her life before she came to us.

The orphanage visit the most profound moment I've had in my life so far. I can't do it justice here in this blog.

Presenting some pictures.......finally

Picture Decriptions:

1)Red Couch Picture....All the children on the couch are in our travel group. THey are all West Sands babies, West Sands is our agency.
2)This is our Nanchang travel group. We were with these people for the whole China trip.
3)Ryan and I really became close with one of our fellow travel families, Maria, Todd, and their newly-adopted daughter Sarah. They live in South Carolina. They made our trip fantastic. Becoming first-time parents with them, was unbelievably wonderful. We plan on staying in contact with them for many years to come.
4)This is Ally in the arms of Li Ping, our travel guide. Li Ping has made China adoptions his life's work. He is a true advocate for all the China babies. He was a truly amazing man, funny, super well-organized and he "knew the ropes" as our other guide reminded us. We will miss him terribly.
5)Here is ally all dressed up in her Chinese dress and pretty new silver shoes for her red couch photo.
6)I LOVE this picture. This outfit was given to me by Kayla for Ally shortly after we recieved our referral. kayla was one of my Spanish students. She graduated in 2006 and now attends the University of Louisville studying nursing and currently has a 4.o GPA. Can you tell I'm proud of her? Ally is going to adore her!

We are home!

We are finally home from our 2 weeks China adventure. (Unfortunately I couldn't access this blog in China, so I will begin the process of posting a multitude of pictures on here for everyone to see).

Ally did so well on our flight from Shanghai to Detroit. The flight the night beofre from Guangzhou to Shanghai was HORRIBLE. Ally cried the enitre time. We couldn't get her calmed down at all. It didn't help that we were delayed 3 hours and the plane was not air conditioned. It was bad. So, I was dreading the 15 hour flight to the USA. Luckily Ally was a happy baby. She only cried once and that was because she was hungry. She was a favorite of all the flight attendants. They came back to check on her and us often. (We had the BEST flight attendant ever. Her name was Debra. She found us three seats together by my sister. She brought us hot water for Ally's bottles and then even cleaned the bottles for us. She was amazing!) Ally has this new habit of screaming in joy and kind of grunting happily. She did this on the flight a lot. I'm sure she woke people up. She slept a lot of the flight and drank regular bottles and had some baby food. We couldn't had asked for anything better.

She is beginning to learn her new home. She loves her Bumbo seat! She sits in it and plays with her stacking cups and other new toys that were here waiting for her. She slept in her play pen last night and took naps in it today. Tonight I put her in her crib. She loves watching her mobile. Ryan had to take his mom back home tonight(she spent the night with us last night so we could slep in today. Thank God!) So i had a 4 hour span when it was just me and Ally. We played and talked, but as soon as I left the room she would cry loudly. As soon as I would come back in the room she would smile and laugh. This could be a bad sign of how it'll be once Ryan goes back to work.

The cats are HAPPY to see us. They don't really know what to think of Ally yet. When she squeals or cries Lucky meows. Max let her grab his tail. Hopefully they'll attach to her as much as she has attached to us.

This weeks tasks:

1)Schedule a well-visit with Dr. Besson so he can look Ally over.
2)Switch from Chinese formula to the Similac our Doctor gave us.
3)Buy a baby monitor and a baby bath tub.

I almost forgot.......when we got home last night our house had been decorated for our arrival. Our friends had made a gorgeous welcome banner. And, some band students had strewn streamers everywhere and had chalked our car windows and from bay window and front door. It was cute. We took pictures before it rains and washes it all away.

We're all packed!!!

Well, our bags are packed! We have filled our suitcases over the weight limit, so we're praying that the airline gods have mercy on us. Ryan and I are preparing to pay for going over the limit.

Personally, I'm feeling super nervous and anxious about our trip. This adventure is 4 years in the making. I'm preparing myself for the worst.....that Ally is going to hate us. I hope her grieving period is brief, for her sake. I want her to be happy. She deserves all the happiness in the world!

Of course, I'm worried about leaving Max and Lucky(our cats). They'll be fine. Our friend Mike will be our pet caretaker while we're gone. He'll make sure they stay fat and sassy!

Keep us in your prayers, both for a safe trip, but also a trip filled with wonderful memories.

The Love of My Life

The title of this entry is misleading. Many people would comment about their husband as being "the love of my life", and Ryan is my husband and my one true love. But, the love of my life is much younger, she's only 8 years old. My niece Abby is "the love of my life".

On May 14, 2002 Abby was born into my family's life . She was my sister's first child, my first niece, and the first grandchild on both sides of the family. To say that she soon became the center of our universe is really putting it mildly. The first three weeks of her life I woke up early(waking up early during my summer vacation is very rare) and drove the hour long drive to my sister Whitney's apartment so I could take care of Abby as Whitney healed from her c-section and dealt with some post-partum anxiety issues.

Many mornings when I arrived in Lexington Abby was asleep. I would secretly wake her up, feed her a bottle, change her, and hold her for hours upon hours. We watched TV together, we would sit out on the deck together, we would have conversations(one-sided of course)about life, boys, the weather, etc. I was enthralled and enchanted with this child. I still am.

Over these past 8 years Abby has become my shadow, my first-child of sorts. We've had numerous sleep-overs where we've stayed up late, late into the night watching Disney Channel shows, eating cheetos, and singing and dancing. Yes, even I sing and dance in front of Abby. She certainly is way more talented in the music and dancing areas than me, and she makes sure to let me know it too. I have video tapes of her making music videos and she loves to record herself singing on my cell phone. Whenever I need a little pick-me-up I'll pull out one of her music videos or listen to one of her recorded songs. It warms my heart.

Over the past four years I've known that our sister-kinship will undergo a makeover. When my baby Ally gets here, things will never be the same. It's scary and so bittersweet. I yearn for my daughter, but I also feel such love for Abby too.

Last night Abby and I had a hotel sleep-over. Before we went to sleep Abby mentioned how on our next Girls' Night Out Ally will be with us. I can't wait!

Abby is so excited for her cousin Ally to get home. Abby will teach her so many things about life and "being cool". Ally is one lucky girl to have such a great cousin. And, I'm one super-duper lucky Aunt to have the best niece in the world!

Birth Story Part Uno

I want to share parts of what I consider Ally's "birth story". From the very beginning of our adoption it was important for me to know what I was doing they day Ally was born. So, I was vigilant about keeping a journal. Every night I would write down what I had done, who I was with, and how I was feeling(emotion-wise). Some days I just wrote a bulleted-list of some stuff, but other days I wrote so much about what was going on in my heart and how I was thinking about our daughter and couldn't wait to meet her.

Nothing really ever happens as I plan....the wait just kept getting longer and longer and I eventually lost my patience. I stopped keeping a journal. It became another reminder that Ryan and I were still childless and that we had no hope that the light would ever be at the end of the tunnel.

So, fast forward to this past Fall........For those that don't know, I've spent the past 11 years coaching/sponsoring our high school's Colorguard. From the 4th of July thru Thanksgiving my life is a mixture of practices, competitions, teenage girl drama, band booster meetings, hot bus rides, and lots of laughter, tears, smiles, and high fives. Colorguard has become a way of life for me(and Ryan too as much as he dislikes it!).

Last season was my "last" season. I knew in my heart that we would have our Ally before the 2010-2011 marcching season began. Our last competition is always the KMEA State Marching Band Pre-lims and Finals. Last season our Pre-lim competition was held at South Oldham High School on November 7, 2009. After we performed, there were hugs and crying. For the Seniors, it could've been their last performance(we had to place in the top 4 to perform at Finals).

For me, my coaching era was winding down. It was bittersweet. I knew deep-down that my time in the near future would be as a mommy, but all these kids who I've dearly love would no longer be in my life. It was very emotional for me.

Before the announcement of finalists, I needed some alone time. I couldn't go over to the field to hear the results, it was WAY TOO stressful. So, I went into our semi and sat down on a bench in the back and waited. It was so quiet and peaceful. The serenity only lasted for about 5 min before my cell phone began to vibrate with text messages informing me that Harrison County hadn't qualified to perform.

The bus ride back to the hotel was quiet excpet for the occasional sniffle from the crying. Sitting in the stands watching finals was hard; it was my last finals and I wasn't on the field with my kids.

The next day, November 8, 2009 was also emotional. So many of the band parents are VERY close friends of mine. We see each other everyday. It's sad to know that only sporadically would we get together now.

Fast forward to May 13, 2010 when I receieved "the call". Emily, our China Coordinator quickly over the phone gave me all of Ally's information. The most important detail for me was her date of birth. She was born on November 8, 2009. So, at a time when I was going through an 'end' of sorts, my life was really just beginning. As I was saying good-bye to a part of my life, the biggest part of my life was just coming into the world......thousands of miles away.

I don't have a journal entry ot look back on to know what I was doing and feeling on Ally's birthday. I don't need one, I know exactly what I was doing and all the emotions going through my hear and heart.

Interestingly, I have a picture of myself taken on November 7, 2009. I like to think that with the time difference, Ally was being born or had just been born on the afternoon of Nov 7.



If only I had known then what a blessing was tkaing place in China at that moment. Would I have smiled even bigger?

Congratulations!

My college roommate Betteenia, whom I lovingly call Teen-Teen, has been trying to get ahold of me since Friday. I finally called her back this afternoon. I'm so glad I did because.........SHE'S PREGNANT!!!! Betteenia has a son, Ashra, who is nine years old and is such a GREAT kid. He'll be a wonderful older brother! Ryan and I are so happy for Teen and her husband Damian. I can't wait to see if she's carrying a boy, or a girl, or maybe even twins(Did I mention that Damian is a twin?)


Betteenia and her husband Damian



College Roommates(14 years since we've been in college) Betteenia and I

Updated Pictures of Our Girl!

Today we received updated pictures of Ally through Ann at Red Thread China. Ann has been an absolute godsend. The services she provides are invaluable to adoptive families. I'm so thankful I heard about her.

My Babies

Four years ago I taught all Spanish One classes. This was intended to be an 'easy' teaching schedule because I was planning on being on Maternity Leave during the Spring semester. I remember explaining to my students, then Freshmen, that if they didn't like me they were in luck because I would be gone during the Spring adn they would have a substitute.

As the wait increased and increased, my students grew up. Now, they are Seniors. I only have 3 more days with them. They have been with me during this whole adoption process. They've asked SO MANY TIMES, "Mrs. Fenton, when are you going to get your baby?' They've been concerned for this child every step of the way.

Two weeks ago I got to introduce these students to the picture of my Ally. They are excited for me and still ask, "Mrs. Fenton, when are you going to get your baby?"

As a teacher, I'm lucky enough to have students like my Seniors who have compassion, great senses of humor, maturity, and sympathy for certain depressing situations. Don't let any teacher try to fool you. No teacher stays in this profession because of the summers off. We stay in this profession because we enjoy our students. Students make us want to come to school. Without great kids, no teacher would enjoy their job.

So, for a certain group of kids, they've been students of mine each day of their high school year. I don't know what I'm going to do when they graduate. I will miss them horribly.

Our Baby Shower

Today my sister Whitney and my step-mom Amy threw Ryan and me a baby shower. I've had visions and plans of what I wanted our shower to be, and luckily I was able to bring everything to fruition. Our closest friends and family attended. They gave us so many lavish and generous gifts. We are truly blessed to have these wonderful people in our lives. I'll let the pictures tell the story.

This was the delicious cake! My sister ordered it, she did such a great job! It was strawberry-flavored. Yum!!!

I had the Engineering class at school enlarge a map of China for me. Ryan and I took a picture of Ally's head and glued it on the map next to Nanchange which is the Province she was born and has lived. (I apologize for the glar, but I had to use a flash.) We titled it "Where is Ally?"

This is me standing next to Ally's 100 Good Wishes Quilt.

Ryan and me opening up gifts with the help of Abby. She had a blast!

More me and Abby opening up gifts.

This is the room where we ate all of the goodies. We had bright tableclothes, gerber daisy arrangements(artificial), and jar votive candle holders on each table. It was VERY festive!

This is what greeted people as they entered the building. Ryan had Ally's "buddha" picture(which is what I have nicknamed it) enlarged.